Conversations in Grief Blog: All Our Losses, All Our Griefs
All of Our Losses, All Our Griefs
by Laura Wessels
“Grief is universal and inescapable,” writes Kenneth R. Mitchell and Herbert Anderson in their book All Our Losses, All Our Griefs. They explain, “All losses, even ‘minor’ ones, give rise to grief.” We grieve for whatever we lose, including the deaths of loved ones, but so much more.
My co-worker at Rainbow is looking forward to the birth of her second grandchild and her son’s wedding this year, while also going to scans with her husband to check if his cancer has returned. Her hope and anticipation carry a shadow of what might happen with cancer. That’s loss.
My daughter’s best friend moved away in fifth grade. That’s loss.
I heard a podcaster who went through a divorce that she didn’t see coming say, “I lost my marriage.” That’s loss.
My mother-in-law's eyesight deteriorated due to macular degeneration. As a senior citizen with limited options, even the joy of reading was taken from her due to her poor eyesight. That’s loss.
We diminish our losses for several reasons. One is our tendency to separate our losses into the losses we chose and the losses we didn’t choose. We are fired from our job versus leaving our job for a new one. Our significant other/partner breaks up with us versus choosing to end a toxic relationship. If we choose to leave or move, somehow, we think it’s not loss. Another reason is that we don’t recognize an event as loss. A woman in Rainbow’s Monday Grief Support Group identified that her grandchild graduating from high school and college as loss; he is moving from childhood to adulthood. She grieves for the child and the childhood milestones. I could relate. As my children grew up, I experienced May as a chaotic month, full of sports and end-of-the-year events. This hectic season coincided with the brief blooming of lilac bushes in our yard. As I enjoyed the sight and smell of those blooms for two short weeks every May, it was a way I noted that soon another year of our children’s school lives would be over.
In these losses, leaving or losing a job, experiencing the end of a relationship, watching our child move from childhood to adulthood, we may not recognize the transition as loss, or we may minimize our grief.
I moved seven years ago from Illinois to Wisconsin, a choice I made based on graduating from seminary and finding new work. My husband and I left behind family, jobs, the home where we raised our children, our church, and very close friends. It took me about six months in Wisconsin to figure out I was grieving for all we had left behind.
What are the losses you have experienced in your lifetime? I hope that the stories and examples I shared will encourage you to reflect on your losses and grieve for them.
Name the grief that you are carrying, without apology or explanation. The grief belongs to you. How can you express your feelings of grief rather than holding them?
Some rituals of expression that may help:
- Take a walk where your intention is to name the losses that you grieve around a theme in your life, such as what you lost because of a move, job change, end of a relationship, or becoming an empty nester. Say what you are grieving out loud or speak of the losses in your heart as you walk.
- If you are anticipating a loss or transition, purchase a journal or notebook and dedicate a page to each person you are thankful for that you will have to leave or let go of during that time. Write about why they are special, why your relationship with them is precious, and capture the moments that bond you. Write about the other things you may be losing, such as a home, a hiking spot, or your favorite coffee place.
May you learn more about all of your losses, and may you grieve them. If you would like, please share a loss you are grieving with me.