Conversations in Grief Blog: Grief Under Pressure
Grief Under Pressure
by Hilary Furnish
In 1981, serendipity brought the Band Queen and David Bowie to the same recording studio to work on separate albums. While there for their own projects, this remarkable group of artists came together, and the result was the hit song, “Under Pressure.” A song with bright melodies and lyrics that give voice to the struggles of humanity. “Pressure. Pushing down on you. Pushing down on me. No man asks for.” The song used simple phrases to identify the ongoing struggles of life and the powerlessness we may feel to help those around us or ourselves.
This pressure doesn't go away when we lose a loved one, and when a death arrives during a particularly difficult period of time, for ourselves, our family, or our community, it can make grieving more challenging. Significant loss changes us and affects our ability to cope with day-to-day challenges. Many grievers express a desire for the world to stop and give them time to process all they have lost. Following the death of their person, they have woken up in the same world, but everything has changed. Having this experience when life is already difficult may open the door for existential concerns and an overall sense of “what is the point of all this?”
Experiencing loss when so many others are struggling can feel isolating, as the normal support systems we rely on may not be available to us. You may have great people in your life who want to be there for you, but their own challenges may limit their capacity to provide support. This only adds to the pressure of trying to navigate grieving while continuing to meet the everyday responsibilities in your life.
How then do we cope when the pressure is too much, and it feels like there is no relief in sight? We start by doing the essentials and evaluating what is really needed. We may want to keep going at our previous capacity, but grieving diminishes this. Giving ourselves permission to live smaller, say no, and just do what is necessary creates space when it seems like there is none left. This may look like staying home more, eating simpler meals, and letting some items remain on the to-do list for a while.
Next, it’s important to assess what we let into our mental and emotional space and how it affects us. When added pressure comes from what we hear about in the news or other media, limiting time spent engaging in this content and on social media will help stabilize our nervous system. Much of the content on social media intentionally pulls us in and can unnecessarily activate our nervous system in unhelpful ways. Grief taxes the nervous system, and all the rage baiting online only makes things worse. Disconnecting or setting limits on social media will reduce this.
Finally, re-evaluate our support systems. We may have wonderful people in our lives who normally show up for us when we need them. But if this support is not available, being intentional in seeking out additional support is important. This may involve joining a grief group, scheduling an appointment with a bereavement professional, or seeking support from friends and family who may be more removed but can offer needed support via a phone call.
The pressure we feel in life can be difficult and often comes from the ways we care for ourselves and others. The lyrics of the song “Pressure” explain that “love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the night and love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves.” When the pressure gets to be too much, returning to the basics of loving ourselves, which includes processing how we are grieving and giving ourselves the attention we need is important. These acts of self-compassion support us as we re-engage with the world once again in meaningful ways despite all we have lost.