Conversations in Grief Blog: Honestly Grieving
Honestly Grieving
By Hilary Furnish
“There's a convention that one doesn't speak ill of the dead. That's stupid, I think. The truth is always the truth. On the whole, it's better to keep your mouth shut about living people. You might conceivably injure them. The dead are past that. But the harm they've done lives after them sometimes” -Agatha Christie (A Murder in Mesopotamia).
Relationships, even under the best circumstances, can be complicated. Many of our relationships are with people we were gifted by nature of our birth. We didn’t choose this set of parents or these siblings. They are just part of the experience. Opening ourselves up to all life has to offer comes with the reality that we will likely have some individuals in our life that are difficult or at some point may cause us harm. It might be a family member who repeatedly makes bad decisions, an emotionally immature parent, or a spouse or friend that betrays us. Relationships are one of the best parts of life and can also be one of the worst.
When someone you have a complicated relationship with dies, the grief that comes with that loss may also be difficult. Often there is grief for the end of their life but also emotions for all the wounds they may have caused. Grief brings up memories of those we have lost and when those memories are painful or traumatic, it can destabilize us in ways we do not expect. I have often heard it expressed by grievers that they find themselves revisiting conversations they cannot resolve, leaving them with anger over apologies never said. Or questioning why the person that died chose to hurt them as they did. For those who have lost someone who has harmed them, traumatic memories may resurface causing an uptick in mental and emotional challenges. This may mean seeking additional professional help to work through those feelings and memories in a safe and supported setting.
Coping with the loss of a family member, friend, or former partner that has hurt you can feel very isolating, as in death we often magnify what was best about a person. When our feelings and experience do not match up with what is being said about someone, we may become angry or feel as if the harm they have caused is being excused. Our mourning rituals do not provide opportunities to process this type of pain and finding space to acknowledge and grieve in ways that are supportive is important.
How do we cope with the grief and emotions that come when we lose someone who we’ve had a complicated relationship with then? We begin by being honest about how we feel and who they were to us. You are the one who gets to decide how they made you feel and how they impacted your life. It may be important to set boundaries for a time to avoid traumatic triggers on social media or at gatherings. Taking time to talk with trusted family or friends and seeking professional support from a Bereavement counselor or Mental Health Provider can also be supportive. Rituals also provide space to acknowledge and process our feelings and experiences. Some examples of this are writing a letter to the person to be read, burned, or placed somewhere meaningful. Discarding objects or deleting digital history that may bring up painful memories can also help.
Something we often say in grief work is that whatever you are feeling is okay. This is true when we lose the people who have made our lives better and when we lose those who have complicated things at times. Allowing ourselves space to be honest with all our feelings helps us cope with those experiences and honor the grief we may feel in meaningful ways. In doing so, we are better able to manage the grief and other emotions we feel throughout our lives.