Conversations in Grief Blog: Lights

Lights
By Hilary Furnish

This week, in homes and cemeteries throughout Mexico and in a large part of the United States, candles will be lit to honor the departed over the celebration known as Día de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead. In other parts of the world, lights are also lit throughout the year on special days or as part of larger traditions. In Japan, the Obon festival takes place where lanterns are also lit to honor departed loved ones, and China celebrates the Hungry Ghost Festival, where lanterns are placed on the water to guide the spirits of loved ones. Across cultures and languages, this simple act of lighting a candle or lantern creates space to remember, brings communities together, and honors those who have died.

There is something comforting about lighting a candle. The warm glow chases away the darkness, and if you’re like me, you enjoy how it casts a comforting scent along with it. For much of human history, we have been chasing away the darkness one flame at a time. We light candles not only to see, but for ambience, to make a wish on our birthdays, and yes, to remember those who have died. In fact, using a torch or a candle to honor the dead is one of humanity's oldest traditions. The light acts as both a symbol for the life of the departed and a guide to them as they navigate the journey to what their culture believed was waiting after death. The light made the ordeal more bearable, and because of this, lights were often left in tombs in tribute or during rituals. Even today, the symbol of an eternal flame can be seen on older headstones. Famously, an actual flame burns at the grave of President John F. Kennedy. These flames represent the light of their lives and the way they continue to live on long after they have departed.

Rituals are often supportive during grief. For some of us, there are already religious or cultural rituals or gatherings that make room for grief. But for the rest of us, the need to remember and honor our loved ones is often met with uncertainty about how to proceed. Honoring our loved ones should be something we are all encouraged to do, and how we go about it should reflect who they were, the way they lived, and what their life means to us. This may involve participating in a walk to fight the disease that took them, a meal shared with friends and family, or simply lighting a candle (yes, the battery-operated ones work too) in their memory. In doing so, we make room for memories, grief, and push back at the darkness we feel in the absence of the light they brought to the world.

Where Día de los Muertos is celebrated, the phrase Recuérdame (meaning “remember me”) is displayed to highlight the meaning behind the celebration. To remember is to keep our loved ones with us, and when we remember, we feel closer to them. As we approach the end of October and look ahead to the coming months, what are some ways you can incorporate rituals, whether they are big or small, to honor your loved ones? No matter how you choose to honor them today, take time to reflect on the memory of your person. Maybe light a candle, share a story with a friend, and remember who they were, how they lived, and how much you love them.