Conversations in Grief Blog: The Empty Bed
The Empty Bed
by Hilary Furnish
“I'll make a voice that is like an empty bed beside you all night long, and like an empty house when you open the door, and like the trees in autumn with no leaves.” - Ray Bradbury, A Sound of Thunder and other Stories.
“Nighttime is the worst,” is something I hear a lot as a Bereavement Counselor. For those who have lost a loved one, the quiet of the evening is often filled with memories and grief. When the loss is that of a significant other, the end of the day arrives with no one to talk to, eat dinner with, or laugh with while watching TV, leaving only an empty bed. Facing an empty bed after sharing it with someone can feel foreign as the warmth of your person is replaced by what seems like a great expanse of bedding and an unused pillow that still smells like them. Memories of physical intimacy may magnify the sense of loneliness and can be agonizing.
The loss of physical intimacy after the death of a significant other is something most grievers struggle to talk about. Going from the daily physical contacts of a pat on the shoulder, hugs, holding hands, kissing, and other forms of somatic intimacy to nothing affects our physical and mental health. Just being in the room with someone we love, and trust can help keep our nervous system regulated. A hug when we need one goes even farther. When physical affection becomes a planned event rather than a daily occurrence, the body feels the loss. Without that regular comfort, the nervous system becomes dysregulated. Grievers often experience body aches or chills because of these nervous system changes. Learning to regulate your nervous system on your own takes time and is often an unconscious adjustment that happens after significant loss.
An empty bed is also a reminder of the loss of sexual intimacy. This loss, which we refer to as a type of secondary loss, can be very isolating, as who wants to talk about missing sex when you’re grieving so much? The loss of sexual intimacy often occurs before the death of a significant other as disease progression can impact the capacity for sexual activity. The focus on the needs of the dying may outweigh the loss of sexual connection but after they are gone the reality you won’t share this with them again can greatly impact the grief process. This realization, along with the need for an intimate relationship, can leave the bereaved feeling ashamed, alone, disloyal to their deceased lover, and terrified at the idea they may need to start dating again. Joan Price in her book, Sex After Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality After Losing Your Beloved explains, “Shame often compounds grief. We may feel guilty for wanting sex with another or even at all, as if that would dilute the relationship with our beloved who passed.”
Approaching your future with an understanding you don’t want to be alone forever and what that means is an important part of redefining your life after loss. Identifying and facing the feelings and fears that may arise, including guilt and shame, while also accepting and understanding your need for physical intimacy are important steps in this process. For some that means more time with family and friends where hugs can be shared, and the nervous system can be supported. Many grievers identify that having a new romantic partner is part of the future they want. This is okay and there is no shame in this. It is important to honor this part of yourself.
Before exploring the dating scene again, it is helpful to understand what you really want in a new relationship and to set good boundaries for yourself. Reading books or articles, talking with others who have lost a significant other, or meeting with a professional who can help you as you identify and navigate this step can also be supportive. It is also important to know that your love for the one who died also stays with you always. In supporting grievers, I have seen the most successful relationships after loss make room for the person who died. They do not view them as competition or someone to be forgotten. Instead, they make space for the memories and the grief that comes as they share time together.
Whatever your physical needs are after losing your person know it is okay to feel however you feel about it. Give yourself permission to be honest with yourself and those you trust. Let your friend or family know if you miss hugs or download a dating app if that feels right for you. Redefining your life after loss is something only you can do, and you get to decide what you need to live fully.