Conversations in Grief Blog: Weight
Weight
By Hilary Furnish
In 2012, Lauren Kornacki saved her father’s life by lifting a car off him after it collapsed while he was changing a tire. Upon discovering he was trapped, Lauren summoned superhuman strength to free him before providing CPR, which revived him. Stories about ordinary people finding extraordinary strength to save another’s life can be inspiring. The idea that somehow within us is the capacity to move a three-thousand-pound vehicle conjures up images of comic heroes. Most of us will never be pressed into this type of heroism, but that does not mean we won’t be tasked with carrying more than we feel capable of sometimes. Life has a way of piling things on or testing our capacity, and few circumstances truly push us to our limits in the way losing a loved one can.
It may be something as simple as lifting the covers to get out of bed or dragging the trash bins out to the curb. But something about these tasks feels harder and heavier. We do our best to rationally convince ourselves that these chores are not a big deal, but still end up feeling overwhelmed by them. Grief makes even everyday activities feel impossible. Grievers often describe feeling they are unable to accomplish things as quickly or efficiently with the overall effects of grief on the body and the weight of all their emotions bearing down on them.
For many grieving individuals, the weight is heavier because now they carry everything on their own. Losing a significant other or someone you shared a life with means the tasks they were responsible for are now yours. Roles may have changed as your loved one was declining in health, but the full weight of their absence feels different now. Tackling household chores with the reminder of who used to do them can bring up unexpected grief. You might find yourself crying over a sink full of dishes simply because they used to wash and you used to dry. Life was better when it was shared, and now you find yourself dragging under the weight of all you’ve lost.
Adjusting to life after loss is different for everyone. Grief is a lot to carry and giving ourselves space to get used to things can be helpful. Unlike Lauren Kornacki, we don’t suddenly gain superhuman strength when we grieve. Instead, we see how very human we are. Carrying on with living after loss means allowing ourselves the time to adjust and doing only as much as feels right. This also includes identifying what we need help carrying. That might mean help with daily tasks we need to accomplish or additional emotional support from friends, a bereavement counselor, or a support group.
The weight of grief and the changes that follow a loss can feel overwhelming, and it is okay to admit that it is too much right now. Giving yourself time to adjust and seeking support will not make the weight disappear, but it can help you carry it. This is not because loss makes you stronger, but because you are learning what you need to cope and how to live in a world without your loved one. Grieving and adjusting takes time. Today, give yourself permission to move at your own pace and lean on the support you need as you redefine life after loss.
