Conversations in Grief Blog: Winter's Crucible
Winter’s Crucible
by Hilary Furnish
Katherine May, in her book, Wintering: The Power of Rest in Difficult Times, states, “Plants and animals don’t fight the winter; they don’t pretend it’s not happening and attempt to carry on living the same lives that they lived in the summer. They prepare. They adapt. They perform extraordinary acts of metamorphosis to get them through. Winter is a time of withdrawing from the world, maximizing scant resources, carrying out acts of brutal efficiency and vanishing from sight; but that’s where the transformation occurs. Winter is not the death of the life cycle, but its crucible.” There is an acceptance of winter in the natural world. Animals and plants have learned to shift, and at times even change colors to adapt to the brutality that winter can bring. A crucible is a vessel that is used in the process of refining metals by heating them at high temperatures. The process transforms the metal within. As someone who has spent most of their life in cold climates, I have a deep love for winter and all that comes with it and as someone who works in bereavement, I also see that grief and winter share a lot in common.
When we lose a loved one, there is often a sense that the world is less bright and warm. Grief settles in like a snowstorm and covers our world with a deep blanket of emotions that the bereaved are tasked with shoveling through just to make a path to keep functioning with day-to-day living. The darkness of our grief may send us to bed early longing for a new day or invite us to find ways to bring more light inside. Grief like winter is often isolating and long lonely hours alone with our thoughts can feel like an eternity. In these spaces of solitude, we often face a crucible of sorts. Life as we know it has shifted. Thoughts of our loved one simmer constantly in our minds as we try to make sense of what their life meant, how they changed us, and how we are ever going to live without them. The question of, “Who am I now without you?” rises to the top over and over again.
Facing the challenges of grief like winter requires us to embrace a new way of survival. This may mean guarding our resources, like our time and emotional energy, as we have less in reserve. Grief like winter is often long, with days of unpredictable emotional storms that require being prepared and finding ways to endure. This often means having tools ready for support like family and friends to help dig us out if the storm is too much for us to handle. Things to pass the time that help us care for ourselves and nurture hope, such as hobbies, support groups, or books that help us better understand our grief. Winter ends with spring, and part of grieving is redefining what we need in the seasons to come. This involves looking at what our life has been like, identifying what we want, and exploring how to get there.
However you find yourself in this winter season, I encourage you to allow yourself to grieve in ways that are supportive for you, to identify the areas that need additional care or support, and to honor your person in ways that are meaningful for you as you endure the crucible of your grief.