Conversations in Grief Blog: Stories in The End

Stories in The End

By Hilary Furnish

There is a quote from the television series, Doctor Who, that I think of often. The Doctor (number 11 for my fellow Whovians) states, “We are all stories in the end.” This idea that when we are no longer here our life becomes a tale to be told is both comforting and surreal. In that one day, our life experiences and accomplishments will be the stories told at family dinners and for some become part of legends. How we live can impact how we are remembered, but it is also influenced by who is telling the story.

Each of us brings our own perspective when sharing stories. When the story is about someone we loved who has departed, the way we share our memories is often influenced by the relationship we had with the person. In her book Always a Sibling: The Forgotten Mourner’s Guide to Grief, Annie Skalver Orenstein shares how she began interviewing her brother's friends following his death while serving in the military. Through conversations, emails, and letters she laughed, cried, and learned with her brother’s friends. Together, they remembered who he was to each of them. In doing so, her love for her brother only grew, along with a clearer understanding of who he truly was. Catching glimpses of him through their eyes brought his whole story into focus.

Sharing memories is often supportive in grief, but who shares them and how can also be hurtful. Too often in this age of social media, our information or memories are shared by those who have either ill intent or simply don’t have permission to post what they share. Grief can make us feel entitled to relaying information about a loved one, or to simply share things sooner than we should. In doing so, we harm others who are also grieving. No one owns the rights to a loved one’s story, but we do have a responsibility to honor them and the relationships they had with others. Just as we are to be careful about what we say while they are living, it is also important to be thoughtful about what and how we share when they are gone. We must remember that some things belong on social media, while others are better reserved for private conversations.

Connecting with loved ones through memories is an important part of grieving. As you reflect on your loved one, remember that you are the steward of their story and of the questions only you can answer. Are there other people who knew them that can answer your questions or simply share their own memories with you? When we get together with those who share our history and trade stories, it can be like putting a puzzle together, with each person adding pieces to the big picture of their life. These experiences can be supportive when we miss someone and provide an opportunity to learn more about their lives. I encourage you to take time with your own memories, to share them with others, and to invite those who knew your loved one to share their experiences too. Together, you may find comfort in knowing how special your person was and gain a deeper understanding of how their life impacted others who knew them.