Rainbow Bereavement Counselors Create “Conversations in Grief” Blog, Post First Entry: Bargaining for Our Life Back
“Conversations in Grief” is a new blog created by Rainbow Hospice Care Bereavement Counselors Hilary Furnish and Laura Wessels. Furnish and Wessels chose this title intentionally to invite conversation and response as they reflect on various aspects of grief. In the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, their thoughts will initially focus on COVID grief. They are eager to hear your helpful and unique thoughts in response. Furnish and Wessels are also available for individual bereavement counseling. Contact them by calling Rainbow Hospice Care at 920-674-6255.
Bargaining for Our Life Back
by Hilary Furnish
This week has been the second hardest for me since shelter in place took effect back in March. When the COVID-19 changes began, I knew I was running a marathon I didn’t sign up for. But I also believed that if I paced myself and lowered my expectations I could do it. Then I hit “the wall.” In running, there is this invisible force known as “the wall.” After you’ve hit a good pace you suddenly feel like the air is being pushed back against you and every part of your body says “time to quit!” For me that arrived without warning. Nothing triggered it, but I became so overwhelmed and just wanted this to be over already. The fatigue of carrying all the stress and schedules and adjustments was too much. I wanted my normal life back.
A lot of us have felt this same “wall.” The very real experience of COVID-19 grief started and we’ve been coping the best we can. Doing our part, trying to be positive, and crying in the shower when we can’t hold it in any longer.
Recently there seems to have been a shift in responses to the current state of things. Many are transitioning from “I can’t believe this is happening” to “I’m not sure how we’ll get through this” to looking for someone to blame or embracing a conspiracy theory to explain it all away. Any time spent on social media will provide ample opportunities to hear from all sorts of “experts” and “new findings.” Many believe the truth is out there somewhere and they are attempting to put the pieces together to make sense of it all. Trying unsuccessfully to undo what has happened.
In the stages of grief, this is called bargaining. After understanding and dealing with all the emotions that come initially with loss one may begin to try to make sense or undo what has happened. In COVID-19 related grief, this is showing up as blaming leaders for what they did or didn’t do, delving into conspiracy theories, possible cures, and looking for ways to get our normal lives back.
Significant loss through death or unforeseen circumstances often leave us reeling and grasping for ways to make the pain stop and for life to return to how we remember it. When we find ourselves or loved ones bargaining for our lives, we are simply trying to undo the source of the suffering. Unfortunately, we often cannot fix or correct our way out of it. Bargaining comes out of dwelling on the past and focusing on “what if” and “if only” questions. By recognizing what is happening and allowing ourselves to connect with the grief we are feeling we may find ourselves better able to let go and return to the present. The only way to get through the “wall” is to stay the course and continue traveling the grief journey. Take it one step at a time, be kind to ourselves, and give ourselves permission to feel what we are feeling, even if those emotions are uncomfortable or overwhelming.