Conversations in Grief Blog: Honestly Afraid
Honestly Afraid
by Hilary Furnish
We often construct the foundation of our lives on the relationships that matter most. These relationships are a significant part of what makes life good. They are the ones who support us through difficulties, cheer us on towards success, and those we plan our futures around. They are where we spend the holidays and who we want to spend our retirement years with. They make life meaningful and often are part of our own idea of self-worth. This is why when we lose a loved one, we not only experience significant sorrow but also fear.
In 1973 Anthropologist Ernest Becker wrote the book, The Denial of Death, and proposed the idea that much of what we do as humans is to avoid death. The Terror Management Theory (Greenburg, Solomon, and Pyszczynski, 2015) was built upon Becker's work. This theory identifies two significant motivations for why we make our choices: not being forgotten when we die and staying alive at all costs. These motivations impact the choices we make, from what we eat to who we vote for. We make choices to avoid what makes us afraid. When we are forced to face the reality of our fears, we often become overwhelmed and struggle in our daily lives. This is especially true when we lose someone we love.
Losing someone who is part of the foundation of our lives forces us to face the reality that all of us will one day die, the risk of being forgotten, and the challenges of facing every day for the foreseeable future without someone who gave our lives so much meaning. We may find ourselves experiencing intense moments of fear and anxiety that shake us to the core. These feelings may break through at all hours of the day or night and fill us with dread as we consider our own mortality and the uncertainty of the future. For many grievers, the fear and anxiety they feel can be more challenging than sorrow because we expect to be sad but not afraid when someone dies. As C.S. Lewis wrote so well, “I never knew grief felt so much like fear.”
How then do we cope with the anxiety and fear we may feel as we grieve? First, we must choose to be honest about our fears. There can be stigmas surrounding talking about what we see as weaknesses, and fears are often viewed this way. Know your fears are valid and talking about them with someone you trust or journaling about them will help. Second, learning ways to cope with moments of fear or anxiety will also help. This may include taking deep slow breaths, going someplace quiet, or saying a prayer. There are many helpful coping strategies available; find what works for you. Lastly, and possibly the most challenging, practice death acceptance. When we make peace with our own mortality, we are better able to face challenges and plan for an uncertain future. For more information on death acceptance check out the resources I have included at the end of this blog. May you find peace and support as you grieve for those who have meant so much.
Resources List
Books:
- The Denial of Death - Ermest Becker
- The Worm at the Core - Sheldon Solomon, Jeff Greenberg, Tom Pyszcynski
- With the End in Mind: Death, Dying, and Wisdom in the Age of Denial - Kathryn Mannix
- Briefly Perfectly Human: Making an Authentic Life by Getting Real About the End - Alua Arthur
Websites:
- The Order of the Good Death - All things death and dying and additional resources
- Welcome to Death Cafe - Informal groups to talk about death and dying
- Mortality | Accepting your mortality | The Art of Dying Well - Information about end of life and death acceptance.
Video:
- Ted Talk by Alu Arthur on Death Acceptance