Conversations in Grief Blog: Listening

Listening

by Hilary Furnish

“Listen to the voice of nature, for it holds treasures for you.” -Huron proverb

I have an app on my phone that helps me identify birds by their songs. It requires me to stop, listen, and record the sounds I hear so it can determine which species of bird is singing. Birdsongs that were once merely background noise have now become distinguishable to me, such as those of Northern Cardinals, Chimney Swifts, and White-breasted Nuthatches. I can put names to the songs that wake me up at 4 a.m., follow me to my car, and fill the backyard on a summer evening. This clever app has helped me to get better at listening to the natural world and while it is an amusing activity, the art of listening is especially important as we grieve.

Grief is noisy. Even the silence of grief is loud. It can fill our minds with memories and restless thoughts at all hours of the day and night. It can then overwhelm us with the silence of a lonely house where our loved one used to be waiting for us. The way we often approach the sounds of grief is by finding ways to either tune them out or respond to their urgent requests like small fires that may consume us. The noise of grief is made up of the thoughts that repeat to-do lists; Call the bank and close the account, figure out how to change the furnace filter, find the password for the taxes, and on and on. It is also the thoughts that remind us of what we have lost. The quiet house without their favorite TV shows on, waking up without the sounds of coffee being made in the morning, and no more footsteps coming down the hall to ask you a question.

When the sounds we hear are painful, overwhelming, or frustrating, it can feel natural to want to tune them out. But in grief learning to listen to ourselves and identifying what needs attention is important. This requires us to stop, be still, and ask, “What is my grief trying to tell me?” This can be a daunting task at times and doing so in a place that is supportive can help with the process. For you, this may be at home, in a place of worship, or out in nature.

Our bereavement team recently held a Grief Walk at Brandt-Quirk Park in Watertown. This event was intended to help connect those who are grieving with the ways nature can be supportive during loss. One way is to take time to listen to nature and be fully present in natural spaces. Taking in the sounds of the wind in the trees, the buzzing of bees, and yes, the songs of birds. Taking time to listen first to nature and then to ourselves and giving space for noise inside to be acknowledged. I am including an exercise from the grief walk in this month’s blog, and I encourage you to take the time to try it. It invites you to listen to nature and then to yourself. This may be in your backyard, out in the woods, or even sitting by a window. By allowing yourself space to really listen, you may better connect with your grief and acknowledge what you have lost.

Listening Exercise

Get acclimated:

Find a spot to sit, stand, or lie down.

Take a few moments and just listen to nature.

Ask yourself: What do I hear?

Let yourself wonder at the sounds of nature. Being fully present with the sounds around you.

Grief needs to be acknowledged and in our busy lives, there are many distractions.

Just as we took time to listen to nature now, we will listen to our grief.

Ask yourself: What have I lost?

Then allow yourself to sit with what comes to mind and give yourself permission to feel however you feel. Stay with your memories as you take in the natural surroundings, letting your grief be heard.