Conversations in Grief Blog: Never Ready

Never Ready

by Laura Wessels

As a hospice chaplain, I enjoy the process of getting to know my patients, listening to their life stories, and supporting them as they share their joys and sorrows. There’s a special intimacy to our relationship, because of the patient’s knowledge of their imminent death. The sharing is deep and authentic, as patients often express their regrets or fears about death and may wonder what lies ahead.

Even though I know that my patients will eventually die, I often am surprised by their deaths and deeply saddened that my relationship with them has come to an end.

Family members often echo my sentiments. “I wasn’t ready for her to die.” “I thought we had more time.” “I wish he would have been able to share how he was really feeling.” “I wasn’t with her when she died.” “There was more to say.”

Death is a part of life and death often surprises us — even when hospice is involved. After our initial surprise, upon reflection, we find that we’re surprised that we were surprised at all since our loved one was receiving hospice care.

If you weren’t ready for your loved one’s death, it means you kept your focus on the moments you shared while they were still living, breathing, opening their eyes, and communicating with you — maybe in silent ways such as a hand squeeze, or hearing the sound of your voice expressing love. Your person was still living, still sharing space with you on this earth and you chose to treasure each moment.

If you were unable to be by your loved one’s side during their last moments, remember the ways you held your loved one close to your heart, silently expressing your sentiments of love, recalling special conversations and meaningful moments with your person, and entrusting them to God’s care.

If you feel you have unfinished business with your loved one, writing a letter to your person even now is both helpful and healing. You still need to express whatever you have to express. Writing it down and reading it aloud to yourself or a trusted friend, is a way to acknowledge your experience. Embrace your feelings and express your emotions attached to your relationship with your loved one.

While we may believe we are prepared for our loved one(s) to take their final breaths, we are not prepared for the end of communication. “I love you.” “I love you, too.” In the last days of my dad’s life, he became unresponsive, leaving my mom wondering when he would wake up so they could talk again. Years later, my mom suffered a stroke and lived several more days but did not utter one word. What was the last conversation my parents shared with one another? What did my mom and I talk about the last time I was with her? My mom longed for another conversation with her husband. I longed for another conversation with my mom.

Allow yourself to grieve for your loved one and the end of conversations. At the same time, I invite you to find ways to remain in a relationship with your loved one. Hold on to cherished memories. Talk to others about your person. Talk to your loved one who died. Tell them about your day. Tell them you miss them. Tell them you love them.

Finally, may this loss inspire you to cherish the people who are still in your life, to be grateful for them, and to always remember to say to them, “I love you.”